God Is a Fire, a River
Written in May of this year, still a guiding light
Since Tuesday night I've felt the presence of God very strongly; I am assured that if I let go of everything and all my old ways of doing and being and seeing the world, I will be melted down and reformed into the kind of soul I want to be. I am so happy with this! God have me!
The trees are green and the sun is shining. O beautiful, beautiful life!!!
During our weekly FoJF prayer subgroup meeting, I read (silently) a line at the top of Chapter 8 that described "a profound interior heart call to a God-intoxicated life."1 The words lodged in my mind and wouldn't leave me; I felt God promising that kind of life if I would just submit to that kind of refining. The call was very clear: forsake all of your habits and talents and connections and skills and excuses, every one of them. Be as a tiny baby. Here an image that I'd seen somewhere came back to me - a preemie next to a full-term newborn, tiny and red and fragile with a tiny diaper to match.
Be as a tiny baby, and you will be built back up. Slowly and slowly, you'll be re-molded and re-built, with the blocks in a different configuration and some left out and others brought to prominence. The fear and posturing, the unsustainable ministrations of ego, will be gone. You will be born anew with my substance in you. Stop thinking about what you "should" do; just do this, and everything will become clear.
Since then, every time I remember to, I welcome embarrassment and put myself in God's hands. I trust (though I'm scared to death of it) that God will lead me into light. I trust that things will become clear. It's such a welcome gift to feel God's presence and hear God's words again. I don't need to worry about anything. If God leads me to Jesus, I will accept Jesus. If not, I will continue to trust in God. How amazing that we can pour so much fear and anger and trust into this concept of God! I really want to adore God and scream at God and nestle in God's arms like a tiny child. Like, if God is everything we ever wanted, then why want anything else at all?
God is a fire, a river. God is an effervescent passage. God is light and darkness, longing and love, sky and land, river and fire. I can't live anymore without God. I am God's child. I swim in the light.
God, you know my life is yours. I dedicate it to you anew. You are my strength and my song. I want to hold you and never let go. What I meant was I'm glad to have a God that I can pour myself into instead of standing at arm's length. I don't want to be halfway devoted. All of my being belongs to you; no half-measures here. I don't ever want to be at arm's length. I want to throw myself into You and live life with all its joys and sorrows. I want to live in You. Amen!!
from Richard Foster's Prayer ↩